Approaching Holidays

Well, it's been a long time, probably too long.  It's hard to know where to begin and maybe that's why I've been putting this off for a while.

The holiday season is upon us and Christmas decorating, shopping, and planning is on my mind more and more each day, it seems.  Not only that, but our 3rd anniversary, Garrett's 1st birthday then my twenty something-th birthday.  Oh man, it's going so fast, and so much needs to be done.

A couple more weeks and Tim will be in finals, then one last semester to go.  Then we are out of here.  Where?!  You might ask?  ...VERY good question, without an answer yet.  Tim has begun applying, but I don't think we'll find out right away, unfortunately. 

Everything in life is a surprise anyhow, I guess.  You think I would be used to it by now.  Funny how we think we have things "planned," isn't it?  We really can't control the future, and I guess it's best that we don't.  Left to our own we as human beings don't seem to be managing the present very well, even.

So.  What is new?  We'll start with Eleanor, I guess.  BOOKS.  Lots of books.  She's still enjoying her play food set and of course, Minnie Mouse.  She also gains a quick fondness for anything Garrett is playing with that she didn't hand to him.  But she's also learning a lot and is a pretty good big sister.  She can probably understand much more than I give her credit for.  Some days I'm reminded of this like the day she brought me the letter A that fell off the wall from Garrett's name saying "A fall down!"  My thought process: Oh my gosh!  She knows her letters- she can spell- she can read- she's writing a thesis paper!  AHHHHHHH!  This is going too fast.  :)

She also tries to say big words like "absorbent" "octagon""tortilla" and "potato chip" with some interesting results.  Her sentences seem to get more and more complex each week or so.  It's crazy.  So smart yet trapped in such a little body with little understanding of many things and BIG emotions to go along with it.  She is doing MUCH better in nursery now, thankfully.  I guess from what I hear she is also a rather dominant personality there, but very kind.  I'm really pleased to see her be confident about something, I think it is helping her a lot.  I'm not always the best example, so I'm glad she is doing so well, and not being so clingy.  NOW the struggle is just to get her to last through sacrament meeting well until she CAN go to nursery.

Garrett is doing well, too.  10 months old and SOOOO smart (okay, I may be a bit biased)!  He's said mama, dada, Boo Boo (Eleanor's nickname), bup (poop), more, puffs, hi, bye bye.  (and I know I'm missing one but can't think of it off the top of my head.)  He understands when I ask him to hold the bottle, pat the bottle, or give me a kiss (he makes a sound like MMMMUAH! after it!).  He points to things and chews on things (two teeth, still a lump on top where nothing has come through yet).  He eats meat and more chunky foods now, not just purees.  He puts things inside containers and takes them out again (most often by waving it around or dumping it out).  He's pretty good at feeding himself puffs... he's pretty easy going.  Not crawling or walking yet, but I did get him to stand holding on to the table leg for a few seconds.  He's also very interested in learning about Jesus.  I know this because he saw my church manual with Jesus on the front and he was very fascinated by it then tried to eat it.  "No, Garrett, no!  Don't eat Jesus!  No!"  :)

I am looking forward to getting all these short term goals met and will be thrilled to be settled somewhere next fall, even if it's only for a couple more years or something.  It is hard to say what to expect.

Here is my happy thought of the day: Christmas is coming and it gives us another chance to start over, to think about what we need to fix and about who we can help.  It gives us another good opportunity to get to know our Savior better and develop a personal relationship with him so that someday when we see him he will not only know us but we will know him.  And hopefully, be more like him.

A thoughtful Sunday

Well, a lot keeps happening here, it seems.  Eleanor had her birthday, a bunch of crazy un-extraordinary stuff happened, then Tim had his birthday yesterday.  Now it's Sunday yet again and I have managed to get everything done that I was supposed to.  Well, okay, other than taking out the trash.

I'm not sure how to explain my life right now.  I think I've spent a lot more time than usual pondering things.  Our future, our past, even our present.  The latter is quite unlike me, I know.  I just can't seem to help but think how blessed we are.  I know that a lot of religious people always seem to be saying that, maybe to the point where it seems trite or maybe even meaningless.  But to me it is not.  These children we have are so amazing.  They do brighten my days.  They make me forget why I'm not smiling.  So many times a day.  I really don't know what I'd do without them.

Was it hard having two kids right after we got married, 16 months apart?  Yeah, of course.  But in some ways, in wondering what our lives would have been like had we changed any of that, I think it would have been harder.  Harder in the long run.  Harder because we didn't do what God wanted us to do.  I know that seems odd, maybe backwards to many, but I can't deny that these kids were meant to grow up together so close in age like this.  I love that Eleanor is starting to make Garrett laugh all the time and that Eleanor is learning how to care for a baby already.  She loves to help in any way that she can.

I don't think words can describe what I feel for my kids.  These little... tiny people who will someday grow up to be big like us.  Who will someday be discussing things like their views on politics and what career path they might enjoy.  Who will someday get their own mail from both credit card companies and colleges.  They'll go on... dates.  (*cringe*)  They are real people now, not capable of these things yet, but it's coming.  And for some reason, it feels very real to me at the moment.  They are astounding to think about.  Their future lies before them with so many questions unanswered yet.  And for now, for this moment, I'm liking that.  They can be anyone they want to.  And no matter what, I will always love them.  I will always remember what this stage of my life was like with them and look back on it.  It won't seem so vivid then, I'm sure.  And I'll have long forgotten why I was so stressed out about all these little things.  But somewhere in my heart I will always have this captured and tucked away to remember.

Eleanor says the funniest things, whether she understands them or not.  She learns quickly and she loves people and cares about them instantly.  Garrett is chill but very tender.  Me leaving the room can cause an anxiety attack in his little world.  He is already loving laughter, to see others smile at him causes him such joy.  I can only understand the tip of the iceberg of what their personalities really are, but they are wonderful.  And they are my future.  I see them in my future through the eternities.  And I love it.

It's hard for me to think of a happier thought of the day than what I've already said, so maybe I should just leave it at that.  Life is beautiful.  Life is even more beautiful when you have children to share it with.

A Tribute to Eleanor

So, I have to admit, I never really thought life would be like this, two years ago.  So much has changed.  This is what my husband and I looked like two years ago, when we were headed in to the hospital with a big baby bump we called Eleanor.

How could we possibly have known what we were doing?  REALLY doing, I mean?  We had no idea then what it would feel like to hold her in our arms for the first time, to remark at all that ridiculous mop of hair on her head, we didn't know then she would hate the pacifier, that she would have to go on formula, that she would look so cute with shoe socks, and that she would wait so long to roll over, crawl and walk.  We didn't know she would spit food at us and have trouble sleeping, and be scared of strangers.  We didn't really prepare ourselves then for being pooped on or spat up on when lifting her over our head (thankfully that one was Tim and not me), but those people in that picture really didn't have any way of truly preparing themselves for it.  Some things we just have to live to experience.  And experienced things, we have.

 I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.  Things were both harder and easier than I originally thought they would be.  Ultimately, they are better.  My life would be so different now without her in it.  I can't really imagine that.  When Eleanor was born I went through a terrible ordeal with PPD/PPP and have just recently gotten over it in the past couple months.  That made it hard to enjoy her.  No, that's an understatement, but it'll suffice here to leave it at that.  The challenges our family faced together were SO hard looking back at it.  I am amazed that this sweet little girl, now one day shy of two years old can look at me like she did this morning and say, "Mama happy?  Boo Boo happy!"  Yes, mama is happy.  Mostly because she is.  Now, don't get me wrong, there are still tears, time outs, and things that get destroyed (including, but not limited to my sanity).  She's a toddler.  It just comes with the territory.  But I am feeling much better.  And just looking into those big brown eyes of hers, watching her smile and going on about her day doing the random things she does (like wiping up Minnie Mouse's poop or "reading" books by herself or asking to be put in the microwave- FYI: we discourage the latter) I can't help but be pleased and honored to be her mother.  She's fun, silly, and sweet.  She looks adorable when she falls asleep in my arms.  She feels like family when she falls asleep in my arms and drools on my sleeve.

 Even in the worst of times, when I joke to Tim about putting her up for sale on ebay, ...I don't really mean it.  :)  And without the screaming and the tears (no, I'm talking about me), we just couldn't grow as we need to as a family.  It takes a lot of trials to make us better people.  Apparently God has a lot of greatness planned for our family someday, because trials keep coming, in new and mutated strands.  But when the kids are not screaming or asleep... I can have these little uplifting reflections.  And it helps me put it all into perspective.

I don't think we've made it out of the worst of the toddler years/ The Terrible Twos or whatever you want to call it.  But it's still good.  Eleanor is learning so fast.  She wants to be good (most of the time) and she wants to help others (most of the time... sometimes she'd rather help Minnie Mouse than her brother, but hey, you take what you can get).  It's not easy, but totally worth it.  I can say that in a way that is so different than what the woman in that picture at the top of this page could have ever said then.  I have SEEN hard times.  I WILL see more hard times.  I might even joke about regretting it amid the screaming, the tantrums, and the "No"s.  But honestly, this is better than anything I've ever done.

 I look forward to more funny moments.  To more laughter.  To more love as the years go by.  Maybe I should say FLY by, because they already are.  I could never be worthy of her.  God trusts me way more than I think He should, but I suppose He does see more in me than I ever have, so I shouldn't complain.  I really can't imagine what she'll be like in a couple years.  If I had to guess, these are my top ten guesses in no particular order:

1.  She'll still be a picky eater.
2.  She'll still like it when she can make people smile or laugh.
3.  She'll still love music.
4.  She'll still be a chatterbox.
5.  She'll still love to pray.  (This is the most important, so I hope I'm right)
6.  She'll still want/need/crave our love & praise.
7.  She'll still give The Boo Brow.  (just maybe not as often)
8.  She'll still have a love/hate relationship with the camera.
9.  She'll still love electronics.
10.  She'll still be kind and motherly.  (If not to Minnie Mouse, then hopefully to a sibling??)

So, here's my happy thought of the day:  life is too short to be grumpy.  Time waits for no one, not even the procrastinators.  Good things are here, right in front of us.  Sometimes we just have to remove those blinders that we put on ourselves that keep us from seeing things and people the way God sees them.  It requires some work on our part.  It may even hurt a little (or even a lot).  But it's there, waiting for us to find it.  Two years ago, I thought my life would be great.  Now, as Eleanor is nearing her two year mark on her journey in this world, I see things a bit differently.  It's greater than I ever knew great could be at that time.  No, things aren't perfect.  No, we're still living off loans, Tim's still in school, I still need to give myself a time out some days.  But it's great.  Look at that little face and try to tell me your life isn't a little bit better for having seen it.  I can't.  And that's the happiest thought of my day.

Sometimes I wish I could just have more energy poured into me.  It seems like there is always so much to do and sometimes it's hard to even know where to start on my to do list.

I'm tired, yet I'm anxious to get things organized in my home still and have things look really neat and make it easier to find things.  I keep having this ideal in my head of what my home should look like or be like, and there is so much that just isn't up to par yet, that I don't think I'll ever get it done before we move.  Of course, I guess once the kids get older they also won't blow through clothes as fast, so I won't constantly be putting clothes away or pulling out new things "Hey!  Look, this fits already!"  ...Yeah, maybe that will help some.  But it's still frustrating.  I guess if I think about it, even BEFORE I had kids, I couldn't totally keep up with it, so I can't feel too bad, right?

Yesterday we went to the opening social for the MPA program, which was pretty fun for as long as we got to stay before the babies needed to be in bed.

Good times, I will miss this place someday soon.

Well, I have to be brief.  So, for my Happy Thought of the Day: Everything is going to be okay.  No matter how hard, how scary, how frustrating things get... this is not the end.  A happy ending is always still possible if we really want it.

Olive oil, nursery, & reflections

Well, lots to report on, I guess.  Yesterday Eleanor and I went to church together since Garrett still has a bit of a cold (although it's much better now than it was) so Tim stayed home with him.  She was really good during Sacrament Meeting & I hoped that would keep up since we've been trying for many months now to get her to stay in nursery without us.  Well, after I left and waited outside the door, she was screaming "Mama-Mama-Mama!!!" like crazy.  I think she was beating on the door at one point, unless it was another kid (there's a peephole, but I couldn't see that close to the door).  Oh, MAN!  Why is life so hard sometimes?  I was about to burst into tears myself.  Eventually they calmed her down and she did fine with the nursery leaders and the other kids, but until then... man, I felt torn in two.  Half of me really wants her in there so she can be independent, but then the other half of me just wanted to whip that door open and grab her.  GOSH, being a mother is so hard!  Thankfully I restrained myself from bursting in there, because that experience was important for her.  I can't think of a time in my life where I've been so torn & empty yet relieved and thrilled.  I sat there in my Relief Society meeting (Woman's organization of our Church) feeling thrilled no one came to get me because that meant she was doing well, yet as if I were still standing outside that door thinking "Gosh, I hope she's okay!" nearly the whole time.  So, next time should be easier & it'll be Tim's turn anyhow, but this is an important step for her growth.  And our growth.  I try to tell myself this when things are rough.

Well, the other day Tim helped me get the black plastic straw thing out of the olive oil dispenser bottle (after I just finished filling it up again).  That was one of those moments that was probably entertaining for an observer to watch (if there were one), but very stressful at the time.  I was trying to make dinner, both kids were fussing, then there's poor Tim hunched over this bottle with chopsticks shouting "I almost got it!" every couple minutes.  He needed my help in pulling it out once he had it at the top, but- man!  He has better chopstick skills than me, it's official now.  (That's okay, I'll just chalk it up to his Asian genes to make myself feel better)  Speaking of those crazy moments, I was giving Eleanor a bath today and then Garrett leaked all over so Tim plopped him in the tub, too.  Garrett started freaking out, then Eleanor started freaking out, so they were both screaming their heads off in the tub together.  This, yes, this is how I know I'm feeling better because as frustrating as it was trying to calm one or both of them- part of me wanted to laugh at it.  In retrospect it's such a little thing.  They'll never even remember it.  And somehow, someway, SOMEday... I will miss even those moments.  :)

Well, there's lots more going on if I sit and think about it, but unfortunately my life is a bit too busy for that, so I'll just leave you with some reflections on family.  We had a great FHE tonight (family home evening) with a moving lesson on the importance of family and the eternal nature of families followed by a wii boxing round where Tim taught me how to play it (I've somehow always avoided the boxing one).  The memorable part not being who beat whom but rather how stupid I looked playing it & how I kept throwing punches ALL the time.  Haha, well, of the two of us, I got more of a workout, so THERE!  Haha, good times!  My husband is so patient with me.

I really have to mention how important family is.  There are so many ways that the family is under attack recently.  In my heart, this is what I always wanted.  I have two great kids, a loving husband, I even have great parents, in-laws, siblings, and extended family.  It links us together.  It tells us we won't ever be alone, no matter how hard things get, even if we don't always agree... we love each other, we try to support each other to help each other become better... and we want to live together forever.  After this life comes and goes.  I believe that families and marriages do not have to be "Until death do us part."  That really means so much when you sit and think about it.  

I love my family.  I'm grateful they put up with me sometimes.  :-P  I'm glad I put up with them.  Someday, this can be eternal.  And that matters more than a huge salary or being liked by millions of people or having a fancy car and house or getting to watch your favorite movie EVER in an IMAX theater... for free!  It's... trying.  But remember, coal and diamonds are made of the same stuff- the difference is pressure.  Trials.  Hardship.  It refines us in a way nothing else can.  Happy thought of the day?  I think that about covers it.  :)

Someday...

So.  I am sleep deprived, so I'll keep this short.  

I know I shouldn't be such a future oriented person, but how do you even start to control thoughts like that?  Sigh.

I put each of my kids to sleep tonight thinking about their futures.  Will Eleanor someday be a singer?  A musician?  Will she do well in school?  Will she be a good example as a big sister?  Will she be really obedient?  Will she come to know for herself that God loves her?  So many things to think about.  (Okay, we did just read O the Things You Can Think before bed, so maybe that got my brain going a little)  

Today she said "Minnie pray?  Minnie eat?"  I asked her if Minnie was going to pray before she ate her food.  "Yeah!  Dear Heavenly Father..." then she just grinned at me.  WOW!  Not even two years old... I... I am shocked at all she is capable of sometimes.  She also shocked me today when coloring she was using her yellow colored pencil and she said "Hard to see."  Haha!  How can a parent help but feel pride at how much they are learning?  God only knows what we are capable of, even as adults!  I mean... if kids so young with their brains still developing can learn so much so quickly... you put it together...

Watching Garrett (I think his new nickname aside from Gare Bear is becoming Chubb-Chubb) fall into a deep sleep in my arms I couldn't help but wonder about him as well.  Will he be gentle as his name Garrett means?  Will he serve a mission?  Will he like to make people smile and tell jokes?  Will he struggle finding his talents?  One can only guess.  God knows these amazing souls better than I ever will, even in all the days of my life here.  I am so blessed to have them both.

Garrett drank a bit of water from his sippy cup today.  With help tipping it up, of course.  He wasn't too opposed to it like Eleanor was at first, but he definitely preferred his binky.  We also gave him bananas for the 1st time today, and he HATED it.  It was pretty funny.  If he keeps it up, I'll have to sneak a video.  :)  He hasn't made a lot of funny faces while taking his solids for the first time like Eleanor did either.  Maybe he'll make up for it later.  :)

Happy thought of the day: No matter how bad the bad times are, good times replace them.  And in time, in retrospect looking back, we learn something important from those struggles.  It's not a total waste, even if it feels that way at the time.

Yikes Bikes!

Y

Yikes bikes, indeed!  Eleanor just started saying this today- it's a phrase her Aunt says.  It was pretty hilarious.  I guess I'll just catalog a few of the other cute Eleanor moments before I forget them.  We just got a package today and she wanted to open it.  I was feeding Garrett so I said she could go ahead and open it if she wanted to (there was clear packing tape all over, there was no real hope of her succeeding).  So she tried hard for about a minute then looked at me all seriously and said "Boo boo can't do."  Haha!  I didn't know she could even SAY "can't" let alone use it in context.  After that I told her I'd get it when Garrett was done eating.  I asked her if she was hungry, she burped right on cue then said "No."  Well.  I guess not.  Haha!  She took a 2.5 hour nap today!  I couldn't believe it-- the napless toddler of mine napped for so long... I didn't even know what to do with myself.  I laid her down, told her to lay down & try to sleep... and I gave her Minnie Mouse, closed the door and walked out.  Literally a one second whine, then I didn't hear from her again until two and a half hours later when I heard monkey sounds issuing from her bedroom.  Sometimes... life is fun.  :)

Well, there's so much to recap on, I don't even know where to start.  My in-laws came and went, it went by so fast!  Here are the quick overviews of it- our tv cabinet got repaired so our shelf won't snap in half now, we got some food (dark chocolate covered acai/blueberries, V8 Splash, spinach ravioli, three homemade meals, uncountable amounts of cookies/muffins, and flavored water, just to name a few), we saw Tim's cousin as she just came up to BYU, played lots with the kids (some new Minnie Mouse paraphernalia got left behind), had some adult conversation (Wow!  I know!  It's amazing!), and I got some work done on their scrapbooks/baby books. That's the short version of it.  It was hard saying goodbye, probably for everyone involved.  Eleanor might have shown that the most passionately, but in watching her as it was starting to sink in that Grandma & Grandpa weren't just saying goodnight but goodBYE, it's true, I know how she feels.  I just care too much about what people think to break down in tears like her about it.  Poor girl, there's nothing we can really say at this age to make it easier.  I tell her we'll see them at Christmas, but that means nothing to her yet.  It's hard to see your kids sad, that's for sure.  Thankfully, the next morning she did much better with it.


And what about Garrett?  Well, Eleanor's been trying to teach him how to walk:

I don't think he was so thrilled about it, although he didn't mind it, either.

Truth be told, I don't think he caught on very quickly.  It was fun but we ended just before my back gave out.

Good times, good times.  No, other then that, Garrett hasn't been feeling well, he's gotten a cold.  If it doesn't clear up really soon, we get to visit our pediatrician.  Actually, we need to anyhow, he's due for a check up and shots again.  Sigh.

I can't believe Garrett is so old!  I put him in a 6-12 month shirt today and it fit... I know he's going to be 8 months soon so it shouldn't have surprised me that it fit, but... I think it has something to do with the fact that is says 12 months at the end-  EEEEK!  He's so old!

 Well, not much I can do about it, I just need to enjoy each moment with him better, before it's all gone in the blink of an eye.

Here is my happy thought of the day: Reading the Ensign (our church magazine) and pondering my life and how I can make it better.  It makes me feel like a new person.  I need to do that every day, it feels so good!

"Grandma and Grandpa are coming!"

I

I feel like we've been telling Eleanor that for so long (ever since we left CA) and she really hasn't truly believed us until this evening when they came.  She seemed confused for a few minutes when they came in the door, but by the end of the night she seemed to be doing better (She's still addicted to Grandma like Garrett is to his binky).

I guess I'll throw caution to the superstitions and without knocking on wood will say they are both sleeping surprisingly well right now for sleeping so little during the day and going to bed so late.  

I'm excited for all that tomorrow may bring with my in-laws.  Sometimes I think it really helps me appreciate my own kids so much more once I see other people loving & enjoying them as well.  I'm not sure why but I won't knock it.  They are pretty stinking adorable.

I wonder if other people with children go through the same ups and downs as me.  Sometimes my kids are so needy & frustrating I think "How can I even handle what I have, let alone any more someday?"  And yet other days I feel like I could just have 20 kids just like them and it wouldn't be enough, it's just so wonderful to be a mother.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not alone in these feelings.  (For anyone reading this wishing for further clarification, no, I'm not pregnant again, but we do plan on having more than 2 for sure someday)

We went out to dinner at P.F. Changs (Yum!) and it was great.  I love being with my family.  In laws or not, they are my family and I'm blessed to have them in my life.  I don't know how many people can say that with all the stereotypical in law horror stories you hear out there.  But it's great.  Not sure what else this weekend holds for us, but I'll try to keep you up to date.

Well, here's my happy thought of the day: Nothing can mar your joy but yourself.  Even in the worst of situations, jokes can be made, smiles can ensue, and laughter (even through tears) can be the best medicine.  If the Messiah could love us enough to endure what He endured for us because He knew of the joy it would bring to the world as a result... there is no true sorrow in our sorrows.  For as we will, all that is wrong can be made right again.  What could possibly be a happier thought than that?

 

Sense of accomplishment

I ought to have a good nights sleep finally, assuming Garrett doesn't keep waking up during the night.  I have successfully worn myself out!  

My day began with Visiting Teaching.  For those of you who are going "What the heck is that?"  I'll explain a bit.  It's a system set up within our Church where the female adults in the church pair up (they receieve assignments which are carefully thought and prayed about by leaders) and visit another woman (usually 2, but we visit them seperately) in the church, get to know her better, and share a spiritual message.  Also that way if she has something she or her family need help with, she has people right there ready to help out.  We try to do this every month, and I just got a new assignment, so I've enjoyed getting to know my companion & the 2 ladies I visit teach.  It is certainly helpful getting to know more people, too, since we've been away for 2.5 months in CA, so many people have come and gone at Church.  Well, it was a lovely experience, so I had lots more energy to get things going when I got back (Tim was so good to me to watch both the kids again).

We got the kids ready, us ready, and headed off to Babies R Us to get Eleanor some more of her favorite puree fruit/veggie pouches.  Sound disgusting?  She loves them so much I seriously want to try them.  Haha!  We also found out that they make clips to hook 2 umbrella strollers together, so if we end up wanting a double stroller, that might be a great option for us.  Yes, I know.  These little things excite me, it's true.  I also found Eleanor a clearance pair of shiny pink dress shoes.  Wish they were more neutral, but she likes them & I think they'll go with a lot of her dresses still.  I got to look at baby clothes.  It made me happy, even though we didn't buy any.  I love baby clothes.  SIGH.  After that we also swung by BYU bookstore to pick up the pictures I ordered online for my kids' scrapbooks.

We got home, fed the kids and such, and it was time for bed.  Well, all in all today I put Eleanor and Garrett down about 50 times apiece.  After all, accuracy is in the eye of the beholder, right?  Well, that's what it felt like.  Maybe we need this place to become white noise central or something.  It gets old by at least the 41st time, you know?  Well, then I myself got visit taught, then I began the cleaning frenzy.

Tim took our laundry to the laundry room, then I put the whole mounds away. (I found out something interesting.  In all of the baby clothes I put away, the sizes between the 2 of them were ALL covered from 0-3 months right up until 2T!)  I then did 2 mounds of dishes, made a pitcher of juice, cleaned the counter tops, the microwave, the stove top, the bathtub, the sink, and the toilet!  I even managed to feed myself a bagel somewhere in there.  Has anyone else experienced this very VERY late form of nesting?  Haha!

Well, happy dreams to everyone, I am so ready for bed!  Happy thought of the day:  sleep makes you feel so incredibly good.  You know that good feeling when you're tired and you can just LAY DOWN after a long day of being on your feet?  I love that feeling.  And look how lucky we are, we get to do this every day of our lives, pretty much!  God is good to us!  :)

Eye rubs and laughter

This might just be one of those days that's pretty neutral.  It feels like it just passed by.  A little good, a little bad.  But just over (or nearly over).

Poor Eleanor still gets so tired when she won't nap.  I think I will try a lot harder once Tim starts grad school classes again, but for now she's still fighting it pretty bad.  She was rubbing her eyes because she was tired, and I explained to her again that she's tired because she's rubbing her eyes so much.  She gave me "the Boo brow" when I told her (furrowed her brow at me) that.  Then she said something about "Boo Boo nei nei."  I asked her if she wanted to go nei nei (to bed).  She said yes.  I asked her if she wanted to go nei nei in the crib.  She said yes.  So off we went, she followed me into the nursery, then when I put her in the crib she said no and began freaking out.  It was sure worth a try though.  I really hate seeing her so grumpy & not on her best behavior as a result of something so silly like not enough sleep.  :(  

Actually, since we returned from CA I've noticed some improvements with her sleep a little.  Sometimes she'd wake in the night & Tim would go in and talk to her and tell her to lie down and go to sleep like a good girl.  Then walk out.  On a few occasions-- IT ACTUALLY WORKED!  Who is that child and what have they done with Eleanor?!  Haha!  I can't WAIT until she can do that on a regular basis and then my only concern if she's crying in the night is that something's wrong and not just that she's crying because she's tired.  It seems like it won't be too much longer, maybe another year until it can happen every time like that.  Wow, my world will change so much when that happens!  That's such an uplifting thought to me.

Garrett is so stinking cute when he laughs.  I just love it so much, I have this terrible desire to squeeze something really hard (it can't be him or I'd hurt him).  Oh man, it just feels so good to hear him laugh.  You know how laughing releases Endorphins?  Well, maybe they should do a study about listening to a baby laugh because that seems to do it for me.  (Is there a study like that?  That would be cool!)  Today I was lifting him up under the arms then tossing his legs back in the air so it looked like he was flying for a second.  He got fits of the giggles from it, it was great.  Eleanor saw and begged Tim to make her fly as well.  

They're so cute together.  Big sister, little brother.  I know they're both so young right now and all, but I have to say, I think they love each other so much.  Today Garrett was getting some tummy time and Eleanor lay down and gave herself some tummy time too, so she could be like Garrett.  Then he just looked at her and laughed this beautiful baby laugh.  She thought that was funny so she started laughing, too.  It was almost like I could fast forward our lives and see these beautiful babies as grown kids or even young adults, playing in the living room together, cracking up about some joke one of them just made.  They're going to be adults someday, whether I like it or not (LOL).  And I can't help but feel that the love they have for each other won't die over time or even through rough circumstances and challenges they will face.

I've got a lot to do, I'm hoping to organize and make some Greek Lemon rice soup tonight (although not sure if I will since we still have lots of curry that Tim made still in the fridge).  Happy thought of the day:  Me picking out Eleanor's PJs and getting the shirt that says "I love Daddy."  I told her what it said and she says "Love daddy!  Boo boo love daddy!"  If she only knew how beautiful that kind of love is compared to all this other junk out there in the world...  happy thought.  Definitely.  ...Happy thoughts.

Aching muscles and kids at church

Today seemed like such a blur!  That might be part because church is so late here now, so we consequently get out late, but wow!  I'm ready for bed.

Garrett kept getting up in the night last night, I had to rock him back to sleep three different times, then finally he woke at 6:30am I fed him, and put him right back to bed.  I am ever grateful to my husband for the way he takes care of me and let me sleep as long as I could after that night.  I've realized that while I may be getting over my depression more, my body is still so sore and achy.  I have more energy than I used to, but at times like this I sure do miss my old roommate who was a massage therapist.   :)


Balancing the kids at church is still rough but getting better little by little.  Eleanor stayed in nursery a bit longer this week than last, which is saying a lot since things are crazy in there as they are between nursery leaders at the moment.  I ended up holding Garrett in church and he fell asleep in my arms with no effort on my part at all.  My arm almost went numb from it, though.  It's amazing how heavy these kids are.  Light enough to be in the lower percentiles on growth charts and yet heavy enough to make my arms buff.  Interesting how that works.  


My kids are just so cute, I LOVE getting them dressed up for church.  The dresses and suit sets the hairdos and the ties... ah, I just love it!  It's just one of those small moments in my life where unless my kids are throwing the biggest tantrum ever or something, they are so stinking cute no matter what they do.  I jokingly told Tim last week that Garrett looks so cute dressed up that I'm going to dress him up like that every day.  I think his retort was more facial than verbal, but, yeah, I would if it were more practical just because it's SOOOO cute!  I'm always in a better mood when my kids are dressed in something I think is super cute.  Not sure why it works like that, really, but it does.


On a random and completely unrelated note, Tim and I have decided that we like our sheet straps (They connect under the mattress, keeping the bed sheets on tight).  I don't know why this invention hasn't been a part of our modern life until just recently when we saw them on my cousin's wedding registry and finally decided to go buy them and give them a try a couple days ago.  Another one of those things that makes our life simpler.  I love it, and I need lots of those things that simplify life.


I'm hoping to start organizing things really well this next semester as we haven't got that much more time left and I HATE that crazy rushing around trying to pack things up last minute stuff.  I figure if things are well organized, they have a better chance of staying that way for the next few months while we live here.  Then packing will be easier when the time comes.  That's the packing ideal.  We'll see how the reality chooses to unfold itself.


Well, it seems like we all need something uplifting, so here's my happy thought of the day: God loves us, no matter how imperfect we are.  And He is so happy for us when we do something right.  It reminds me of when Eleanor went on the potty for the first (and so far the only) time.  Yeah, her onesie slid into it so I had more of a mess to clean up than if she'd just gone in her diaper like normal.  Yet it was a big deal as her parent to see her accomplish something that adults & "big kids" do.  I found myself saying things like "I am SO proud of you!  Eleanor, you are such a big girl!"  Sometimes we can make a bigger mess out of things when we're trying to do the right thing, but when we're putting in our best effort, God knows (and will bless us for it), and He feels what I felt about my daughter in a much more perfect way than I can comprehend.  I know God feels that for each of us in the things that we struggle with at this very moment in time.  And He sees more potential in us than we ever thought we COULD have.

Repetition

Well, another day in the Harrison household.  It's been exhausting.  

It's funny, I can still recall being young and wanting to do something over and over again because it was so much fun.  Now that I'm on the flip side of it, performing things over and over again for Eleanor, I begin to wonder when she'll tire of it.  (or secretly fear she NEVER will and four hours later I will have to break down in tears telling her I just can't bear to make Minnie Mouse tap dance anymore)  How do moms have this kind of stamina?  I feel like I barely make it some days.

I think I'm also a tad concerned Eleanor isn't as independent as she could be.  She often asks us to do things for her that she can clearly do herself like put her book away or open a certain toy or such.  I want her to learn to do things all by herself, but if she's REALLY too stubborn about it, there's not much I can do.  I'm hoping that once Garrett gets older it will help her want to set the example for him so she'll take off with wanting to do things all by herself.  I sure hope so.  The words "Mama do." and "Dada do." are getting a bit old when it IS something I know she can do.

Speaking of repetition, Eleanor has a bit of a pine cone obsession.  Or should I say a love-hate relationship with them?  She spots them right away, announces their presence, then points at them.  After a while she gets close to them.  Then she may ask to touch them and either do it but stop right away or won't touch them (even after I have).  She thinks that the springs on Garrett's crib are pine cones for some reason.  No matter what kind of logic I use, it doesn't seem to convince her.  "No, those are springs.  They're part of the crib.  Can you say springs?"  "Spring."  "Good job!"  "...Pine cone?"  "No, see those are metal.  Pine cones aren't metal."  "Oh.  ...Pine cone?"  "No, look it's shiny silver like mama's shoes.  Pine cones are brown.  ...Brown."  "Shiny silver?"  "Yes, exactly!"  "...Pine cone?"  

The other big one today was "Minnie hide?"  She hides from Minnie by Garrett's crib and she waits for me to have Minnie guess where she is or make up silly rhymes about her.  I do a high pitched Minnie voice and ask her things like: "Where is Boo Boo?  Is she in a shoe?  Is she wearing blue?  Is she going poo?"  (she once responded yes to this very quietly, but none of the others- it was hard not to laugh)  Then I poke her around the crib.  "THERE'S Boo Boo!"  Then toss her at her.  She thinks it's hilarious, tosses her at me and says "Minnie hide."  Then hides again.  Really, could my life be any more fun? I need to keep a rhyming dictionary on me, though, I got stumped a couple times.  Does nothing really rhyme with orange????  Man!


Repetition isn't working as well for Garrett recently.  Just the past couple of days he's been really hard to put to sleep.  He sleeps pretty well once he's out, which I probably can never be grateful enough for, but it's still rough.  What used to put him to sleep isn't working as well anymore.  We'll just have to keep trying, I guess.  In general he's such a happy baby, though.  I'm almost done making his picture frame that has all the names for him (Chinese, Japanese, & the meanings we picked for his English name) & it really makes me wonder what kind of an adult he'll grow up to be someday. 


We are so blessed to have such great kids.  They wear me out, but that's still so much better than being so bored that being bored wears you out.  Yes, it can happen to adults, and it's awful.  :)  So, here's my happy thought of the day:  No matter what you spend your time doing, if it doesn't bring you lasting happiness, it's not worthy of your time.  Time is too precious, our lives here are too short.  Enjoy!

I've only just begun... to blog... white screens big promises...

Dear world,
       Here we go, my first blog.  I guess I feel the need to vent more than facebook can allow me to properly.  So here I am.  What is going on with me?  Kids.  Kids are going on with me.  It's hard to not feel that they've taken over my life, but I don't really mean that in a bad way.

Eleanor took a nap yesterday for the first time in a long time, I was pleased about that, but then she had the hardest time trying to go to sleep, even way into the night.  I can't help but wonder what's going to happen once we finally get them both sleeping in the same room.  I hear that kids will just get used to each other, but that sounds like advice from someone who has forgotten what it was like UNTIL that point.  Not trying to be negative, but I know it is easy to forget things as you go.  We'll deal with it once Garrett can sleep in a long stretch without any of those binky- withdrawal cries during the night.  Although it has gotten better than when we were in CA when I swear I got up 14 times in the night over it.


I still have yet to understand why children fight their sleep.  That is the gist of my story.


Today Eleanor wanted to play ring around the rosy with her stuffed animals (namely 3 Elmos, 3 Minnies, and one llama llama).  She wanted me to make them dance and when they "fall down"  I chuck some at her while she laughs and tries to run away.  Usually pretty fun (but a tad monotonous for me) until she tripped over her feet and fell in the hall.  My calming her didn't work so well, and soon Garrett had an abrupt waking from his nap, even though he was in the nursery with the door closed.  When she calmed down enough to show me where the ouch was it didn't look too bad- a red spot next to her eyebrow- probably will have a small bruise.  Two crying babies-- this is what I had feared for so long in the hospital right after Garrett's birth.  Yet... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's hard.  But every day is.  Every day is hard with one kid.  Every day is hard with no kids.  And every day is hard without a spouse.  I'm quite certain I made the right choice each step of the way in my life, for it brings me lots of joy, sometimes even during those rough moments.  Had one of those today, too.


Garrett was having a rough time going to sleep, no position was helping him fall asleep, even though he was obviously tired.  So I lay down on the couch next to him with my arm over him so he can't roll away.  And then he calms down more and more, his eyelids droop... and droop... and... and then he looks at me and sees my face is right next to his, and starts giggling like mad.  He had trouble stopping once I joined in.  So much for bedtime.  We went on a walk.  That didn't work either.  It was time to feed him again.  That didn't work either.  More rocking.  Even still not sure if it's the real deal or if he'll be up crying soon.


This is my life.  I'm getting quite used to it, hard as it is.  I want my kids to be happy.  I'm so incredibly not perfect.  But I love them.  I want them to love me.  I'm waiting for that moment when my kids willingly offer me an "I love you." without anyone else asking them to.  And I know I'm going to need a bunch of tissues when they do.


I know I'm starting to get over my PPD.  I can't explain it, but I just know it deep down inside of me.  Kind of like how you just KNOW when one of your kids is filling their diaper.  Just like that.  Something has changed, ever since we got back from CA.  Like Mary Poppins just snapped her fingers- POP!  90% better!  Not totally, I don't know as that's possible.  But it helps me be a lot more hopeful, that's for sure.  I'm learning so much more, and I think I'll finally come to be more of a blessing in my husband's life than a stressor.  That's just how it is after about two years straight battling depression.  He sure could use that during his last year in school ever- no?  


I hope that I can not only properly vent through this blog, but can uplift and inspire those around me.  Here's my Happy Thought of the Day: Kids laughing at something I don't even find funny can still still make me laugh.