A Tribute to Eleanor

So, I have to admit, I never really thought life would be like this, two years ago.  So much has changed.  This is what my husband and I looked like two years ago, when we were headed in to the hospital with a big baby bump we called Eleanor.

How could we possibly have known what we were doing?  REALLY doing, I mean?  We had no idea then what it would feel like to hold her in our arms for the first time, to remark at all that ridiculous mop of hair on her head, we didn't know then she would hate the pacifier, that she would have to go on formula, that she would look so cute with shoe socks, and that she would wait so long to roll over, crawl and walk.  We didn't know she would spit food at us and have trouble sleeping, and be scared of strangers.  We didn't really prepare ourselves then for being pooped on or spat up on when lifting her over our head (thankfully that one was Tim and not me), but those people in that picture really didn't have any way of truly preparing themselves for it.  Some things we just have to live to experience.  And experienced things, we have.

 I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.  Things were both harder and easier than I originally thought they would be.  Ultimately, they are better.  My life would be so different now without her in it.  I can't really imagine that.  When Eleanor was born I went through a terrible ordeal with PPD/PPP and have just recently gotten over it in the past couple months.  That made it hard to enjoy her.  No, that's an understatement, but it'll suffice here to leave it at that.  The challenges our family faced together were SO hard looking back at it.  I am amazed that this sweet little girl, now one day shy of two years old can look at me like she did this morning and say, "Mama happy?  Boo Boo happy!"  Yes, mama is happy.  Mostly because she is.  Now, don't get me wrong, there are still tears, time outs, and things that get destroyed (including, but not limited to my sanity).  She's a toddler.  It just comes with the territory.  But I am feeling much better.  And just looking into those big brown eyes of hers, watching her smile and going on about her day doing the random things she does (like wiping up Minnie Mouse's poop or "reading" books by herself or asking to be put in the microwave- FYI: we discourage the latter) I can't help but be pleased and honored to be her mother.  She's fun, silly, and sweet.  She looks adorable when she falls asleep in my arms.  She feels like family when she falls asleep in my arms and drools on my sleeve.

 Even in the worst of times, when I joke to Tim about putting her up for sale on ebay, ...I don't really mean it.  :)  And without the screaming and the tears (no, I'm talking about me), we just couldn't grow as we need to as a family.  It takes a lot of trials to make us better people.  Apparently God has a lot of greatness planned for our family someday, because trials keep coming, in new and mutated strands.  But when the kids are not screaming or asleep... I can have these little uplifting reflections.  And it helps me put it all into perspective.

I don't think we've made it out of the worst of the toddler years/ The Terrible Twos or whatever you want to call it.  But it's still good.  Eleanor is learning so fast.  She wants to be good (most of the time) and she wants to help others (most of the time... sometimes she'd rather help Minnie Mouse than her brother, but hey, you take what you can get).  It's not easy, but totally worth it.  I can say that in a way that is so different than what the woman in that picture at the top of this page could have ever said then.  I have SEEN hard times.  I WILL see more hard times.  I might even joke about regretting it amid the screaming, the tantrums, and the "No"s.  But honestly, this is better than anything I've ever done.

 I look forward to more funny moments.  To more laughter.  To more love as the years go by.  Maybe I should say FLY by, because they already are.  I could never be worthy of her.  God trusts me way more than I think He should, but I suppose He does see more in me than I ever have, so I shouldn't complain.  I really can't imagine what she'll be like in a couple years.  If I had to guess, these are my top ten guesses in no particular order:

1.  She'll still be a picky eater.
2.  She'll still like it when she can make people smile or laugh.
3.  She'll still love music.
4.  She'll still be a chatterbox.
5.  She'll still love to pray.  (This is the most important, so I hope I'm right)
6.  She'll still want/need/crave our love & praise.
7.  She'll still give The Boo Brow.  (just maybe not as often)
8.  She'll still have a love/hate relationship with the camera.
9.  She'll still love electronics.
10.  She'll still be kind and motherly.  (If not to Minnie Mouse, then hopefully to a sibling??)

So, here's my happy thought of the day:  life is too short to be grumpy.  Time waits for no one, not even the procrastinators.  Good things are here, right in front of us.  Sometimes we just have to remove those blinders that we put on ourselves that keep us from seeing things and people the way God sees them.  It requires some work on our part.  It may even hurt a little (or even a lot).  But it's there, waiting for us to find it.  Two years ago, I thought my life would be great.  Now, as Eleanor is nearing her two year mark on her journey in this world, I see things a bit differently.  It's greater than I ever knew great could be at that time.  No, things aren't perfect.  No, we're still living off loans, Tim's still in school, I still need to give myself a time out some days.  But it's great.  Look at that little face and try to tell me your life isn't a little bit better for having seen it.  I can't.  And that's the happiest thought of my day.

Sometimes I wish I could just have more energy poured into me.  It seems like there is always so much to do and sometimes it's hard to even know where to start on my to do list.

I'm tired, yet I'm anxious to get things organized in my home still and have things look really neat and make it easier to find things.  I keep having this ideal in my head of what my home should look like or be like, and there is so much that just isn't up to par yet, that I don't think I'll ever get it done before we move.  Of course, I guess once the kids get older they also won't blow through clothes as fast, so I won't constantly be putting clothes away or pulling out new things "Hey!  Look, this fits already!"  ...Yeah, maybe that will help some.  But it's still frustrating.  I guess if I think about it, even BEFORE I had kids, I couldn't totally keep up with it, so I can't feel too bad, right?

Yesterday we went to the opening social for the MPA program, which was pretty fun for as long as we got to stay before the babies needed to be in bed.

Good times, I will miss this place someday soon.

Well, I have to be brief.  So, for my Happy Thought of the Day: Everything is going to be okay.  No matter how hard, how scary, how frustrating things get... this is not the end.  A happy ending is always still possible if we really want it.

Olive oil, nursery, & reflections

Well, lots to report on, I guess.  Yesterday Eleanor and I went to church together since Garrett still has a bit of a cold (although it's much better now than it was) so Tim stayed home with him.  She was really good during Sacrament Meeting & I hoped that would keep up since we've been trying for many months now to get her to stay in nursery without us.  Well, after I left and waited outside the door, she was screaming "Mama-Mama-Mama!!!" like crazy.  I think she was beating on the door at one point, unless it was another kid (there's a peephole, but I couldn't see that close to the door).  Oh, MAN!  Why is life so hard sometimes?  I was about to burst into tears myself.  Eventually they calmed her down and she did fine with the nursery leaders and the other kids, but until then... man, I felt torn in two.  Half of me really wants her in there so she can be independent, but then the other half of me just wanted to whip that door open and grab her.  GOSH, being a mother is so hard!  Thankfully I restrained myself from bursting in there, because that experience was important for her.  I can't think of a time in my life where I've been so torn & empty yet relieved and thrilled.  I sat there in my Relief Society meeting (Woman's organization of our Church) feeling thrilled no one came to get me because that meant she was doing well, yet as if I were still standing outside that door thinking "Gosh, I hope she's okay!" nearly the whole time.  So, next time should be easier & it'll be Tim's turn anyhow, but this is an important step for her growth.  And our growth.  I try to tell myself this when things are rough.

Well, the other day Tim helped me get the black plastic straw thing out of the olive oil dispenser bottle (after I just finished filling it up again).  That was one of those moments that was probably entertaining for an observer to watch (if there were one), but very stressful at the time.  I was trying to make dinner, both kids were fussing, then there's poor Tim hunched over this bottle with chopsticks shouting "I almost got it!" every couple minutes.  He needed my help in pulling it out once he had it at the top, but- man!  He has better chopstick skills than me, it's official now.  (That's okay, I'll just chalk it up to his Asian genes to make myself feel better)  Speaking of those crazy moments, I was giving Eleanor a bath today and then Garrett leaked all over so Tim plopped him in the tub, too.  Garrett started freaking out, then Eleanor started freaking out, so they were both screaming their heads off in the tub together.  This, yes, this is how I know I'm feeling better because as frustrating as it was trying to calm one or both of them- part of me wanted to laugh at it.  In retrospect it's such a little thing.  They'll never even remember it.  And somehow, someway, SOMEday... I will miss even those moments.  :)

Well, there's lots more going on if I sit and think about it, but unfortunately my life is a bit too busy for that, so I'll just leave you with some reflections on family.  We had a great FHE tonight (family home evening) with a moving lesson on the importance of family and the eternal nature of families followed by a wii boxing round where Tim taught me how to play it (I've somehow always avoided the boxing one).  The memorable part not being who beat whom but rather how stupid I looked playing it & how I kept throwing punches ALL the time.  Haha, well, of the two of us, I got more of a workout, so THERE!  Haha, good times!  My husband is so patient with me.

I really have to mention how important family is.  There are so many ways that the family is under attack recently.  In my heart, this is what I always wanted.  I have two great kids, a loving husband, I even have great parents, in-laws, siblings, and extended family.  It links us together.  It tells us we won't ever be alone, no matter how hard things get, even if we don't always agree... we love each other, we try to support each other to help each other become better... and we want to live together forever.  After this life comes and goes.  I believe that families and marriages do not have to be "Until death do us part."  That really means so much when you sit and think about it.  

I love my family.  I'm grateful they put up with me sometimes.  :-P  I'm glad I put up with them.  Someday, this can be eternal.  And that matters more than a huge salary or being liked by millions of people or having a fancy car and house or getting to watch your favorite movie EVER in an IMAX theater... for free!  It's... trying.  But remember, coal and diamonds are made of the same stuff- the difference is pressure.  Trials.  Hardship.  It refines us in a way nothing else can.  Happy thought of the day?  I think that about covers it.  :)